My pronouns are not “preferred”
About the Author: Emerson Short
Emerson is an OG hair baby — step-daughter of cofounder, Erin; she has been a part of The Hair Nerds since day one. Despite all our efforts to get her into hair school… she’s opted to become an educated activist instead (which both Annie and Erin are beyond proud of her for). We have always looked to Emerson to give us her real feelings about products, people and events which we have dragged her to on more than one occasion and now we love to use her brain to talk about awareness beyond “beauty”.
It’s 2018, folks! As we start developing a more nuanced dialogue around our relationships with sex, gender, and sexuality, it’s important to share what we learn with those around us and start using it to bring us all closer together.
Hair has always been a platform for gender performance and creativity, and as hairdressers and professionals, we have a special responsibility to engage and lead the conversation around gender and sexuality acceptance and inclusion.
An easy way to do this is by making sure you inquire about people’s pronouns. Not everyone uses cisnormative she/her and he/his pronouns, (though folks who are not cis may use these too). Pronouns have expanded to include they/them, ze/zir, co/cos, or a variety of different combinations. Some folks may ask you not to use any pronouns, just their name. However, all pronouns and people are worthy of respect.
This post will not go into depth about queer/trans identities, but here are some resources you should look into if you’re wanting more information:
The Hair Nerds have created a three-part rudimentary guide to talking to your customers and peers about their pronouns!
Introduce Yourself with Your Pronouns
One way to normalize the conversation around pronouns is to include your personal pronouns in your introduction. Whenever you tell someone your name, tell them your pronouns as well. Like a name, it helps people refer to you properly and respectfully. Doing this creates a space for others to tell you their pronouns without making any assumptions about their identities. If folks choose not to share that information with you, do not push the issue. People might not feel comfortable in certain spaces sharing information that exposes their gender identity.
Don’t Call Them “Preferred” Pronouns
The word “preferred” insinuates that someone’s identity or pronouns are a preference, or something to accommodate, rather than a legitimate way of identifying. No one asks “What is your preferred date of birth?” When people tell you their pronouns, they are telling you a fact about them. Often, folks will tell you if their pronouns change or if they use multiple pronouns, and your only job is to try to use them, correct yourself without making a big production, and show the people around you that identifying them in a way that makes them feel seen and respected is your ultimate goal. This might (and should) involve gently correcting others who are mis-identifying you or someone you know.
Don’t Assume!
Do not just ask for the pronouns of people you assume might use pronouns other than she/her and he/him! People can be anywhere on the gender identity spectrum without looking like a white, thin, androgynous middle/upperclass hipster. Shedding some of these beliefs is crucial to increasing pronoun awareness and visibility. It is important to acknowledge that people of color, fat folks, and low-income folks are often erased in emerging LGBTQ dialogues and still deserve to have their identities respected and acknowledged.
Something to keep in mind: people will correct other people about their dog’s pronouns and dogs can’t even understand the construction of gender AND don’t have the ability to tell your their preferences. People correct others on the pronouns to use for BABIES. So using pronouns and correcting others on pronouns is something everyone already has the ability to do. If people can handle corrections regarding dog and baby pronouns, you can inform others about your pronouns and the pronouns of people you care about.
This guide is not entirely comprehensive! We are looking for ways to improve this article, or link to more resources. At The Hair Nerds, we are interested in learning and growing together!