The Things We Keep Hidden
2019 was deemed “The Year of Yes” and what started as our adventure back into traveling and saying YES to new events and opportunities, quickly dissolved.
It was January and the weekend of ISSE/NAHA… we were officially kicking off show season and had a long list of events in the coming months. I got a call from my dad that he was going to need to have his gallbladder taken out that week and he was in the ER. As the day went on, more and more things came up. Now there was talk of biopsies and concern about spots on his liver.
My mind was racing as I left Long Beach and headed straight to him. Fast forward a week and a half; tests were being scheduled, he was weak and I was spending every waking moment at his house. Another trip to the ER and he was admitted, fast forward a week and he passed away in the ICU and hour before receiving his liver cancer diagnosis. In that moment the world stopped spinning and held completely still. The sun was no more and I was encased in darkness. A darkness it would take me months to break free from... a darkness that suffocated me and strangled my soul.
Just like that my year and life changed forever. No longer was I concerned with education, events or anything hair related. All I felt was a tidal wave of grief rolling over me with zero pause or relief. For months, I sat in the pain unable to move and living on autopilot. I couldn’t tell you half of what happened during that time as it felt like a haze I couldn’t escape. I remember long agonizing crying spells that would overcome me in the night. It felt like I was trapped underneath a sheet of ice in a frozen lake unable to breath or think… just struggling to survive.
Eventually I realized that I was going to need help to move past this and “The Year of Yes” became saying Yes to healing…Yes to being kind and understanding of yourself and most importantly yes to forgiveness.
Sometimes relationships end before there is a resolution to certain traumas. Unfortunately when we lose someone very suddenly there can be a lot of things left unsaid. These wounds will eat you alive if you don’t eventually address them. In this year, I have learned that if you don’t make space to take care of yourself you will ultimately become immobilized.
I grew up with a family where emotions were not allowed and certainly not encouraged. Without realizing it, that had become a badge of honor I wore as an adult. My ability to shove everything down and put it in a box where it belonged. Funny how things change… As I am learning to value feelings and healing, I am also learning to create space and non-negotiables for myself.
The thing I have discovered this year is that time doesn’t actually heal all wounds. Pain doesn’t have an expiration date and the stress and guilt you feel by not being able to “get over it” isn’t fair. There is no shame in reaching out for help or needing more time.
Which brings us to 2020 and our word for the year: Boundaries. My entire existence I have set zero boundaries allowing people to take and demand as much as they deemed necessary. In this new year (and decade), I am finding my voice and setting boundaries within my work and home life.
Hair Nerd Bestie, Nina Kovner of PassionSquared, recently wrote a book on this very thing so while the masses nurse their hangovers this Jan. 1, I have a date with a cup of tea, a fuzzy blanket and a book about BOUNDARIES.
I know I am not alone in experiencing a tremendous loss this year. 2019 was a real shit show for a lot of us. While I don’t expect to wake up January 1 and never have another day of grief, I do appreciate the metaphorical rebirth of a new year. I don’t know about you but I sure as hell am ready for a fresh start.
-Erin